monday night thoughts.

How often do I complain about my own circumstances without thinking how blessed I already am? Answer: too often.
I try to find my happiness in the things of this world that are just as temporal as myself, & yet I walk away expecting to be fulfilled with more than temporal satisfaction.
I find myself in a ditch that is all too familiar – struggling with dirt under my nails & sweat upon my brow to escape this prison I’ve made for myself. This prison of selfishness, pride, & dissatisfaction.
As I futily work to dig myself out of this immense hole I’ve made, all the while I’m finding myself deeper than I was before.

“How did I get here?” I wonder.
“Where did this treacherous fall begin?”

“How do I get out?”

I keep pushing away Christ’s open arms, thinking I can do it by myself.
Face soaked in tears & the dirtiness of my sin, only by God’s grace do I realize I’ve been pushing back the very Hands that can rescue me. The hands of the One whose grace & love towards me, if the ocean was ink & the sky was a scroll, could not contain the whole.
It’s like you’re drowning with a millstone around your neck, but you’re pushing away the lifeguard.
How could I be so blind?
Now that I see, it seems unfathomable that I could ever be blind in the first place.
Oh, the greatness & holiness of God – that I may never lose sight of what He has done for me.

It almost seems that I’m too dirty and worthless for Christ to want me. My mask of outward righteousness has come off, & my true depravity shines through.
I have the opportunity to find everlasting satisfaction & joy in Christ, but I try to find something “better”.
How childish it sounds now that I write it.

Will I find myself in that ditch again?
Will I know Whose strength to rely on to escape?




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